I managed to weasel my way out of having that repeat D&C, thankfully. I was SO not in the mood for that shit again.

Um, NO.

That means I had to spend the 3rd week post-op bleeding and in pain - praying it will end soon.  Last sat I had to attend a work function which entailed me partially bent over a table, standing, painting a canvas for 2 1/2 hrs. (L-O-N-G Story). I work for a financial institution, so there is probably no way you could ever guess what the hell we would be painting for. It was FUN and all, I love artistic things, haven’t painted in years…. and had to mix colors and stuff. It was a networking and teamwork excercise with a purpose. It was fun. (You know, excecpt for abdominal pain and They played cool music while we worked, so I sung softly to myself painting and mixing away.

Until lunch.

When I sat down with my plate and my back decided to mutiny. (read: spasm uncontrollably)

I have had several back injuries  to various parts of my spine that give me various levels of pain. Which I have, for the most part, learned to live with, its helped me to work on managing high levels of pain. That’s how I know that if I am bowed over with it, on the verge of tears and almost unable to breathe, I’m experiencing levels of pain that would knock other people unconcious.

This is what happened to me at the work function. I was unable to even pretend to walk properly. I had to walk extremely slow, shuffling, to the next ballroom (at a hotel) and met Big Boss halfway down an aisle. He took one look at my face and hightailed it to me. Looked me deep in the eyes and told me to “go home. NO. Go to the doctor, THEN go home!!RIGHT NOW! and feel better” (the first part was said very seriously, the last bit, with a smile.)

Big Boss knows what happened to me. I report to him now, and I thought it a good idea to let him know why I was going to disappear from work for at least a week (following the D&C).

I won’t go into details, because what he said to me was personal, but suffice to say, he was extremely understanding, sympathetic, and empathetic. He DID tell me ’don’t give up. Keep trying. You will get pregnant. Promise me you won’t give up.’

 In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny: ‘He don’t know me very well, do he?’ 

I promised up and down. He has been fantastic. So y’all please remind me, if in future he does something to piss me off, and by some odd chance I temporarily forget his kindness and understanding, just what a fab dude he is, ok? Big Boss is the BomDiggity.

Mind you, I seriously doubt that I will forget this. I rarely-if ever- forget this kind of kindness shown to me. I’m just saying in case.

So, I went to Prof Gentle at my scheduled time, 1 1/2 hrs later after I had driven myself home somehow. I just remember tears rolling down my face at the pain. My cootchie was going crazy with pain and bleeding heavily, and my back was so bad I was stooped. (that is saying something, because I have VERY good posture) 

I had Z drive me to the doctor. I begged and grovelled for the strongest thing he could shoot in my buttcheek that would let me at least stumble to the car and get home before I pass out. Well, I got nothing quite as strong as I needed, but it numbed a good portion of the pain.

It’s Sunday now a week later. I finally have stopped bleeding. I occasionally have the odd sharp-ass knifing pain in my cootchie canal for no freaking reason. Hopefully, that too will pass. I REALLY HOPE SO.

Right around the time I was tapering off the bleeding, we had another sandstorm (Thanks a freaking lot Saudi Arabia, for that export straight to my sinus and lungs). So, my voice is iffy, and I started hacking up phlegm. I HATE THAT.

All I really want is to not leak body secretions for a while. Is that too much to ask? JEEZ.

So, now on my ‘avoiding severe bronchitis attack/infection antibiotics’. Because I have a effed up immune system - mono twice, both times quite severely, have kicked my ass quite effectively. I cannot screw around and hope that I will get better on my own. Hopping on antibiotics quickly, and my nebulizer is the ONLY thing that will prevent a minimum 7 day hospitalization and freefall into pnumonia. I have to be very, very careful.

I feel somewhat better today. Still coughing, but the yucky gunk is much cleared up. Not gone, but much better. 

Just so you guys don’t worry about me…I spoke to Prof Gentle about ‘next time’. ie: next try. I asked him in a roundabout way. Basically, I said ’so, when is your vacation?’  he said in July. So I said ‘then am I ok to try again with my June period? He said, ‘if you clear up soon, then yes, you should be ok. ‘

Simply this. By then it will be 3 months with an empty uterus. 6 months since I had any stim medicines injected in me. It’s a decent break for my bod.

You know how I am. I’m a planner. I feel better when I have a battle plan in place, to some extent.

This does not mean that I’m over this miscarriage by any means. I am still very much devastated. I try and not think that:

My summer miscarriage due date would have been April 13. (basically 6 days from now) Or, considering how dr felt I was carrying multiples, that I would have delivered by now.

That my girlfriend at work and I would have had our babies within days of each other around June 18 if I hadn’t had that miscarriage in November. She’s having a girl, by the way, and I’m very happy for her.

And this recent miscarriage is still so new and raw, that even when I try my best not to think about it, sometimes, when I least expect it, it just hits me - HARD. Maybe because I was further this time. Because things were looking so good, at least until there was no heartbeat, that is. I was within spitting distance of finishing my first trimester, dammit.

It hits me in the still silence of the quiet house when I’m trying to fall asleep….  or in traffic. You know what I mean. When there is absolutely crap on the radio, and you’re not in the mood to change your cd’s in the changer (shut up, no sirius sattelite radio here my darlings), so you just turn the volume way down till hopefully something decent comes on the radio. Or suddenly in the shower. That is really the best, because at least the water washes away my tears.

I try to keep myself distracted. To think about work. Or play with my animals. Or go crawl on the bed in Arianna’s room with her and watch a movie - I’m such a child. Pop that Harry Potter movie in girl, lets watch my future son-in-law! (What? I constantly call him that. He seems like a nice guy,not an idiot, is comfortably well off,  (yes, I know he’s loaded, but…)and best of all? The girlfriend he just broke up with? Is kinda along the lines of Ari. Excecpt MY daughter is prettier! (I’m not just saying that cuz she’s mine. She really is!) That means, he digs girls like her. Cool.

She always rolls her eyes at me, but then grins, mostly because she thinks he’s hott - with a double ‘t’. She has a mild crush on the Eragon dude, but I’ve told her, Daniel’s my boy now, don’t forget!

See? Distraction.

Problem is this: Ari badly, badly wants a brother or sister. She’s not picky (well, excecpt for praying I have twins, one of each). And I understand exactly where she’s coming from. It’s part of what really tears me up. I know EXACTLY how she feels. (I will tackle this in a seperate post. It’s been rolling around in my brain lately, and I’m debating whether or not to write it or not. If I’m ready to write it or not.)

Anyhow… I’m here.

Went to visit Professor Gentle (my OB/GYN). He’s a Prof, and really sweet. And he was feeling chatty today, it seems. 

He was… bothered by the fact that I am still in pretty bad pain and still bleeding fresh, deep &/or bright blood, 11 days post-op. Bothered quite a bit, actually. 

Bothered enough to tell me that I need to go for the fancy-schmancy cootchie cam downstairs in radiology (not his cootchie cam in the room next door), like, now.  

It was 3pm and the soonest they could fit me in was 5:30pm today. Nurse fixed me the appointment and Prof gentle kept on talking. 

Maybe he missed me or just enjoyed the interaction. I dunno. 

He said that due to the 3 months of Cyclogest (pure progesterone) I took to support the pregnancy, my uterus was very soft (as it should have been if baby had continued to thrive.) and as it was my 4^th D&C, he didn’t want to risk damage or perforation to my uterus, that still needs to hold on to a pregnancy at some point. So he used the scalpel only to clear out the cervical plug and open the cervix, and then suctioned the rest. I figured as much, and he confirmed it. 

Thing is this. Depending on my ultrasound today, he might need to do ANOTHER D&C to completely clean me out. He is happy with the decreasing HCG results, but that this bleeding and pain is really excessive. And that if it continues to this extent, another one might be required. He said ‘or I could clean it out without the anaesthesia’.  

U think maybe he was drunk? No anaesthesia? Hell to the NO! 

When I went home in between appointments, as soon as I sat down in the bathroom, I felt something huge slide out, when I sat, there was a splash, and I got up, turned around and looked (nosey cow, I know. But you never know what you need to report to your doctor.) It was approximately the size and general shape of a newborn kitten. 

I know, I know….. EWWWWWWWWWWw. 

So you know what I did during the cootchie scan, now don’t you? I interrogated the radiologist. The same one that told me a few weeks ago that there was no heartbeat. 

She said that my uterine lining is EXTREMELY thick and that it is uneven. Apparently the dark part in the middle is supposed to be a dark, thin, straight line. Mine was wobbly and thick in places and thin-ish in others. 

I don’t know about y’all, but it doesn’t sound too good to me. 

Well, FUCK. 

So now, I have to wait for Prof Gentle to get the radiology report tomorrow morning and see what he says when he calls me. 

He said that if I feel I can wait a few days and manage as I have been, for things to resolve themselves, then we can try that route. But eventually, I may need another D&C in the very near future. 

Ugh. 

On a funny note… (I have to take what I can get, you know?) 

Z and I have two very good (close) male friends A & P (for years, like family), found out that I had another miscarriage.  

A sent me an SMS this afternoon that said 

 “ Hi darling, I heard th bad news that it happened again. I’m very sorry, better luck next time, I hope…….I have an idea! U can adopt me and P but you have to breast feed us every 5 minutes! Lots of love, A”. 

He is such a silly.  Made me laugh, which I needed BADLY. 

Things are going along.  I had the D&C just two weeks shy of the beginning of my second trimester.  

Am still in horrid pain and bleeding until today. Its fascinating (in a really, REALLY shitty way) that I had the D&C and the pain and hassle that goes with that. Yet, I still have miscarriage level pain I am dealing with that the wussy-ass painkillers available here do absolutely JACK DIDDLY SHIT for my pain.  

I have to have a little rant right now. Sorry for the interruption.  

THAT, if you really want me to be honest, is my REAL complaint about living here, I have to admit. At LEAST, when I ended up in the emergency room with my miscarriage last summer in

Talked to my doc.
 
Was marginally freaked out before, right? SERIOUSLY FREAKED OUT NOW.
 
HCG is continuing to rise. bad. Is was just under 47,000 as of Wednesday afternoon-  this past Sunday it was 40,330. = I’m fucked.
 
I’ve met with the anasthesiaologist yesterday after work for him to do his usual work up, got dumped on the most obnixious internist (sp, I know, but don’t care)/pulmologist (for my asthma). I cannot STAND HIM but my usual one has left the hospital to open his own clinic. Ugh, apparently still some traces in my lungs of the bronchitis I had a few weeks ago, so he gave me about 250 bucks worth of medicines to take prior to my proceedure.  I go in tonight to check in at the ward and sleep at the hospital overnight (which is better than being a home with the old Monster bitch from hell who is on a rampage today)so they make sure I don’t consume anything prior to the D&C.

MY cootchie doctor mentioned words like placential hyperplasia and polar troboplasia, hydatiform mole…possible blighted ovum.. and stuff like that.
 
I started GOOGLING these things (possibly spelled properly), the other day and got even MORE freaked out (and here I didn’t think that was possible) I’ve since stopped googling anything remotely having to do with this situation I find myself in.
 
The only GOOD thing, is that he said if it was really dangerous, then the HGC levels would be WAAAAY higher.
 
Now did u know that even following a D&C, I will have to have weekly hcg’s until my No hits 0. If not, I will have to do some sort of chemical treatment to kill the ‘cells’…. which sounds like some scary shit that starts with a C, to me.

 Who says you don’t learn something new every day? Sure as hell not I!
 
I would dearly love to go suck down some Amaretto or JD (Well, I’m fresh out of Xanax), but I can’t.  I mean, jeez. The fetus is just… there. and doing nothing but decomposing, and if that isn’t enough to gross freak someone out, hell if I know what is! The placenta is all happy and shit right where it is and growing …. god knows what according to my fancy super-duper overpriced cootchie scan.  But, He said that if he doesn’t remove it, it - the placenta- will just keep growing and growing and growing…..

Ya, this will be my 4th D&C, which is WHY I’m not overly thrilled. But it HAS to be done. I keep thinking that the D&C has pain, but nothing like going thru a full miscarriage, so the pain will last a few days, and then gradually become faint, rather than suffering for ages like before. There’s THAT silver lining, such as it is, eh?
 
The thing that worries me (ok, grosses me out) is that doc said that even with the cleaning, that placenta could have really dug deep into the uterus itself (the walls), and start growing again (even without a dead fetus in it). Think about it. It sounds like some freaky shit from Star Trek (which I love) or a Sci-fi movie. Like “the Blob”, no matter what they did to that damn thing, it just kept GROWING BIGGER AND BIGGER!  Return of the placenta. (ha………………heh…..eh.) Who the hell wouldn’t be freaked out? Ew.

See? Sometimes my imagination is a frightening thing to behold, isn’t it?
  

All I want is a baby. This time around, I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from, you know what I mean?

I’ll post again after I’m back from the proceedure, likely when I’m capable, IF I’m capable, on Sunday.
Ciao.

Well, I’m back at work from the doctor (that’s so bad of me I know, blogging at work), and I’ve finally found the balls to post, so I figure I’d better hurry the hell up before I lose my nerve.

I’m attempting to come to grips with and mentally (HAH! Yeah RIGHT!) prepare myself for the beginning of all the physical agony and mental mental anguish that will come with miscarriage #4.

You see, there was no heartbeat. Nothing. Nada.

And while my beta HCG was high (not necessarily a good thing in this case) yesterday, the sac IS apparently somewhat smaller than last week, and according to the really rather cool new US machine, size-wise, things just… stopped about a little over a week ago. I saw the little mass of cells and nural tube hanging out  in the corner of the sac. I kinda had a bad feeling when I didn’t hear a heartbeat or see any flickers.

My doctor spoke to the radiologist who said that she saw some deterioration/abnormalities already of the placenta. 

Apparently, my doctor is concerned about my hcg level being so high still. He told me that if, when he retests it on Wednesday (wouldnt’ it just be easier to flush 100 bucks down the toilet?) it is still high, or continuing to increase, then he will have to do an immediate D&C and won’t wait for things to “resolve themselves”.

Well, that will put me in a REAL pickle. Because IF - please God NO!- I do have to have the D&C, my insurance co will not pay for it - because if you will recall, they refused to pay for ANYTHING to do with the last one - so I will have to figure out where in the hell to get hold of about 3,500 -or so bucks pretty damn quick.

I know, I know. Take it one day at a time.

I’ve been instructed to stop the Cyclogest effective immediately and just wait for the bleeding, pain to begin.

Lord, I wish I had some appropriate level pain killers for this. I have only ONE hoarded OxyCodone left and that will last me only 6hrs.

Dunno WHAT in the hell is going on, frankly.

Went for my weekly date with Wand Monkey yesterday for an abdominal scan. I, personally, couldn’t see diddly squat on that goddamn monitor other than a big black blob which was apparently my near-to-explodingly-full bladder. Trust me, by now, I’m pretty good at this ultrasound monitor stuff. All I saw was varying shades of charcoal.

Wand Monkey (my OB/GYN) was barely moving the wand thingie. This irritated me. So then, he says “huh, looks smaller than last week to me”. To which I’m staring at the screen saying “WHAT, exactly, looks smaller? Cuz I don’t see nuthin, doc.”   He looked frustrated, made a few irritated low grunts, and went off to his office.

After I straightened myself up (read, put clothes back on) I dazedly toddled off to his office. He gave me that puppy dog face, asked me about “are you having any pregnancy symptoms still? Any spotting, etc…?” to which I replied “Gawd yes! and No, no spotting or anything. Boobs- hurt, nausea- yup, cravings - yes, some, peeing constantly - yesssssssssssssssssssss, puking, yes, twice, etc…..” then he sighed and said he wants to check my Beta HCG levels again to make sure they’re still high. (Insert panic attack- mine- here. I think Z wasn’t really paying much attention, personally. He seemed out of it from the minute we went into the U/S room.) He was looking for a number somewhat over 10,000. (10 days ago it was just under 6,000).  Okaaaaaaaaaay.

Downstairs to the vampire and cashier I go. Prick, suck (money from my debit card), and home to continue my freak out in private.

I get a call about an hour and a half later  from the nurse saying “Hi Cyn! Your number is 40,000! That’s good. So………………. Dr wants you to go to radiology tomorrow for a cootchie ultrasound on their fancy newer machine down there. They can squeeze you in at 11:30 tomorrow morning, is that ok?”

Like I have a goddamn choice here? “Ok, I’ll be there.”

So, in about 2 hrs, I’ll leave work for my hoo-hah scan with the fancy-schmancy machine. Well, if anything, it being a hoo-hah cootchie scan, things will be crystal clear, either way.

But answer me this: Why do I want to puke my guts up ever since I woke up this morning, eh?

Will update later gang. I have to go pray now.

Well now, I can’t have Carrie Jo (or whoever of you still read my blog) on pins and needles, now can I? Nope! 

So…….. 

No, I’m not purposely torturing you. and NO, Monster is NOT in her final days.

Never mind though, I don’t want to push my luck, I’m not greedy. I’m more than happy with that I’ve been given. 

I’ve just about completed my 8^th week of pregnancy. I’m not exactly out of the woods yet, but hopefully things will continue on as they have and I’ll be ok this time. Fingers crossed. 

I’m going to see my Dr every week for ultrasounds. My next appointment is this Saturday. But the good thing is last week, he was smiling and looked happy because he saw the fetal pole (formation of spinal colum) in the ultrasound and whatever else it was he was looking for- the missing city of Atlantis perhaps.  

All I know is,If he’s happy, I’m happy.  

Funnily enough, Carrie Jo, you also mentioned whether or not I got some new fabulous job. Well, it kind of appears that I have. My wretched, obnoxious boss is being booted to an alternate position out of the country which would leave me shit out of luck, job-wise.

Insert meltdown , freakout , panic/anxiety attacks here, please.

When he told me that he was leaving, but to keep it confidential, I did. But then I felt inclined to ask him what would happen to me. His response was “I have no answer for you”, about 5 times, accompanied by a shrug, followed by his signature phrase which in his ‘speak’ means “piss off”. So I waited until the news broke in the organization that he was being relocated. I waited a MONTH, not sleeping properly,(as if getting up to pee 8 times during the night wasn’t bad enough!) not knowing which end was up. I asked him again once the news went out and he simply looked at me and walked away. 

NO ONE WALKS OFF ON ME LIKE THAT, DAMMIT! 

So the next day I spoke to the CEO directly. Nice chap that seems to genuinely care and appeared irritated by the responses I had received to my valid question of “Well if you leave, what the hell happens to ME?”  

So, the Big Boss and I had a nice talk, I discovered that my current position was about to become extinct and there was no further need for and Exec Slave in the organization, so we needed to think of something else for me to do. You know, it’s kind of a kick in the face to be told that “well, your position no longer exists here anymore, and …we don’t have any other positions of the same type to put you in. Well, what do we do with you?”. It really makes you stop and think… you know, right after you’ve pissed yourself. 

I was to meet again the next morning with him, and funnily enough, he and I came up with the same exact idea. Same exact new, fabulous job. Isn’t that a hoot?
Great minds think alike, hee hee hee! 

It is a completely different type of job for me, but I’m real excited to learn and do something different, and it’s a MUCH better title, and I and my existing skills will be utilized much more effectively for the organization this way. And even better? I’ll be out of direct contact with the backstabbing, troublemaking rude cow I’ve had to deal with day in, day out, for the last seven months. Thank you God! 

So I’m thankful for what I’ve been given – more than you can imagine.

Well, if that isn’t a clue for why I’ve been-yet again- silent for a spell, then I don’t know what would be.

I have a perfectly good reason for not posting. I’m afraid of jinxing myself (cause all of a sudden I’m UBER superstisious). 

If you were me, you would be too.  But for those of you who thought that I might have possibly offed myself (Hi Wenchie!), nope, I’m still kicking (like a mule, as usual). Now Olivia Drab, you can’t say anything honey, because you’re the only one that knows what I’ve been up to lately. 

And for the record, NO, I did not have gender reassignment surgery. (For those of you overly imaginative crack addicts) Not that I’m against it, but I did not do it. (while I know a couple of people that have!)

But then again, I’m planning on spilling my guts -FINALLY- this coming Saturday evening. That means you have roughly about 36 hours to wait, give or take. (Yes Dad, if you’re reading this,you too must wait!)

PS: Isn’t my Daddy just the cutest thing EVER (reading my blog)? I LOVE him!

P.P.S: I just had a thought…… my DAD has read my blog. Holy Crap. Boy oh boy, has he ever gotten an eyeful! 

Well, I admit that last post was depressing as hell.

Now for a little something more light-hearted and frivolous.

The new season of American Idol has begun! YAAAY! And that means I can see if someone I saw there is shown on tv possibly making a fool of themselves. I hope that guy can sing.

We were driving to mom’s in SC , it was pretty late and dark, we just had to make a potty stop – and grab a very quick bite to eat, and fill up the tank. The Taco H*ll sign combo with a gas station on the highway seemed like it would get the job done so we pulled off  in this tiny little town and went to get things done.

While sitting there eating, this young black guy dragged in that works there, very late, from what we heard, for his shift. A bunch of friends soon piled in and they were asking how is Idol auditions went. This sweet, flming queenie guy was so FUNNY! So he regaled everyone with his tales and said he ‘worked it’. Someone asked him what he sang and he said ‘Earth, Wind and Fire!  One of the girls said ‘ huh, you fool, you gonna be one of the ones they make FUN OF on there and I can’t wait to see it!!

So now, neither can I! I hope the poor thing can sing, but if not? I’m gonna laugh my butt off. If you like watching Idol, keep your eyes peeled during the

In case y’all haven’t noticed already, I will tell you that my “New Year’s Resolution” – even though I really don’t believe in making them per se – was to blog more often. I feel like a rat, and am sure I’ve been abandoned by a multitude of lurkers and regular readers (that comment from time to time) who thought that perhaps I had a) dropped off the face of the earth, b) kicked the bucket, or c) just plain given up.

Well as far as I can tell I’m still here. Quite bruised, battered, and broken emotionally, so to speak, but here.

So far, 2008 is kinda crappy. But I’ll be optimistic (until proven wrong and bitch-slapped by life and circumstances, as usual) and say that we’re only 2 weeks in to 2008 and a whole 11.5 months to go yet.

Reasons anyone?

It’s damn cold here in

My cats, for the most part, come when I call them. (they think they are dogs, perhaps) Here comes Big Ole Bandit, running and meooooooooowing ‘here I am mommm’ and in he comes. I keep calling Rucifee. Nothin. I walked all up and down the street in the freezing cold (still with my sinuses all screwed up), calling him, went in my neighbors yards snooping and calling for him.

Off and on for 2 hrs.

Then I come in, look at Z and tell him ‘Tell me what happened. Rucifee NEVER doesn’t come when I call him. You he doesn’t come to, but ME? He ALWAYS comes.’ Z couldn’t look at me. And then I knew.

He curled up and went to sleep and never woke up. Just like his Mom Angel last week . (arianna’s cat) That’s a story I’m just not gonna tell. But Arianna was already having a meltdown about Angel being gone when my MOM called me and told me that Heidi, our 18 year old miniature Dachshund died. The SAME day Angel did. Heidi was with us since she was a puppy. I was still in HIGH SCHOOL (a Senior) when we got her. That dog adored Arianna from the time she was in my tummy. She would put her head on my engorged tummy and stare at me and make her ‘happy noise’ that she only made for me. Ari would kick her from inside and I would watch Heidi’s head bounce up and down. When Ari was a baby, Heidi guarded her obsessively. Even against the other doxie, Otto. Heidi wouldn’t let him NEAR Arianna, and would kick his ass from one end of the room to the other unless Arianna went to him (when she was older) on her own.

When we visited mom in

So, I was upset, Arianna was having a meltdown next to me, and then mom was a wreck on the phone.

Apparently Heidi had had many heart attacks (she had the SAME EXACT heart condition my mom has) and finally was having strokes. She had a big stroke and mom took her to the vet and the vet said that she was in such a condition and suffering that all she could do was give her pain killers to make her more comfortable but that she should really be put out of her pain. She was having mini strokes, and couldn’t walk and hold her urine. My mom couldn’t stand to hear her crying so loud in pain and suffering so badly anymore, so she told the doctor to just let her go. The doctor did and mom was with her kissing her and talking to her till the end.

She was suffering, and pretty bad off when we saw her back in August. I knew it would be the last time we saw her, but still, the timing couldn’t have been any worse. My only consolation is that she is not in pain anymore. I like to think she is in doggie heaven, if there is such a thing, young again and playing with my Charlie, Tyra, and Fergie.

Thing is this: when mom was describing Heidi’s strokes, it sounded EXACTLY like what happened to Tyra. I think Tyra just had one huge massive stroke and that was it. I just wish I had her as long as we had Heidi.

So I’m lying to Arianna. I’m NOT gonna tell her that Rucifee is dead. I would rather her think someone has him, or has stolen him than to know he’s dead.

Rucifee’s with his mom now. And I miss his little butt. I hope the remaining cats are ok. (God, and Ling-Ling and Toby the dogs too!)

Last night I looked at Z and said ‘do you realize that the 3 remaining 3 female cats we have all have hussy names?’ He laughed and said “you’re right!”

Jezebel, Gypsy, and Miss Scarlett. Maximus and Bandit are left of the boys.

I just insulted myself, didn’t I? Well, I didn’t name that cat after ‘myself’. Arianna named her.

On a semi-bright note: For those of you interested, I started my injections this past Monday.

There is a very special guest in Bahrain yesterday and today.

Pres. George W. Bush - “Dubya”. Actually, Condi is here too.

On the off chance any of y’all still don’t know where I live, you can actually HEAR about this widdle country all over your news brodcasts (most likely) today. Useless fact: He is the FIRST US President to visit Bahrain.

I am not overly happy with Dubya this morning. Because he personally made me 40 minutes late for work this morning.  This means that my normal 30-ish minute commute took me amost an hour and a half. Never in my life would I have thought that-with me living here in Bahrain- that the President of the United States, the President of my country, could so directly effect me. But sure enough, he did.

I’m sure he didn’t really mean to do it.

But JEEZ MAN, all the freaking roads were blocked (read: blocked by police) so basically all the major higways and connecting roads in a country which is the size of WASHINGTON D.C. were parking lots… AT RUSH HOUR. I realize that he was probably awake at 2am due to the jet-lag, which, admittedely,(from the US) is a bitch and a half, but good Lord George, give us a freaking break.

I hope he parks his ass somewhere or is taking a nap when it’s time for me to go home later today.

I am so angry I am SHAKING.

The asshats at my medical insurance company have flat out rejected my costs incurred during my recent pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage (even though they paid for the prior miscarriage while I was on vacation back in August) because “it seems as though you are undergoing fertility treatment- even though it is not indicated at any place on the forms submitted, nor did you submit claims for infertility treatment, and we don’t cover infertility treatment nor early pregnancies that are a result of neither fertility treatment nor the miscarriages that are a result of fertility treatment. And if a woman is a frequent miscarrier, then she is also considered infertile despite the method of which she becomes pregnant. And also, the fact that you went to the doctor shortly after your menses were due for a blood HCG proves that you were being monitored for infertility and were expecting to be pregnant.”

I asked, “No it doesn’t. Perhaps I had been on birth control and went off it and was actively trying to get pregnant, expecting-hopefully- a missed period. When it didn’t come, I did a home test, which came back positive- two of them actually. This is in the realm of possibility for any married person. So that means, that since you don’t know for SURE that I had infertility treatment, but that you suspect it, or consider me infertile because I miscarry frequently, that if I needed a D&C, that you wouldn’t have covered that either, right? Even though it states very clearly in the medical coverage pamphlet provided by you that INFERTILITY TREATMENT is not covered, but that PREGNANCY and complications there of, including natural ’spontaneous abortion’ are covered under the policy as is prenatal treatment and blood work for ‘diagnostic reasons’.”

Reply: “right”.

Me: *growling*, “so, if I didn’t have the financial means to pay $4,000 for a D&C and left it to hope that it cleaned out on its own; and if it DIDN’T and the dead fetus turned into cancer, then, as per your reasoning, my cancer treatment would not be covered as it was a direct result of the failed pregnancy that was a probable result of infertility treatment, based on the fact that it was the third miscarriage in my 18 years with my husband, regardless of how the sperm made it to my egg and implanted in my uterus, is that right??”

Reply: “erm… well, yes. That’s right because it would have been a direct result of that infertility treatment pregnancy”.

Me: *thinking: ‘this is such a load of bullshit’* “so….. basically I should go screw myself, eh?” (yes, I really did say that)

For the record, I never, ever, told the insurance company in-house doctor that the pregnancy was a result of infertility treatment. What I did say is that it is not the insurance company’s business how, when, with what position, and by WHOM I got pregnant.

At the end of it all, I was in tears (I effing hate that) and had had to verbally walk through the whole process from September through the pregnancy, and relive the miscarriage all over again. Basically I’ve been through hell and back and feel like I’ve been chewed up and spit out by a T-Rex.

Hello. It’s me. Anyone out there??

*crickets chirping*

I’m still breathing, last I checked.

What in the holy hell have I been up to since – shit!- August? A bit actually.  And  lot more like Hell, to be honest.

So, which would you like to hear about first? I’ll give you the topics, and you can choose what you’d like to hear about first, how’s that? But if I don’t hear anything, I do whatever the hell I want, ok? Your call.

·        My summer vacation

·        My first pregnancy that ended up with my having a miscarriage DURING my summer vacation. (It was multiples, by the way)

·        My discovery that large amounts of rum help relieve the pain of miscarriage when you run out of oxycodone. (that is some good shit y’all if you ever have pain that is so severe that you projectile vomit and loose consiousness.) What? I was rationing the meds, I only had a few, and I was afraid I might need it when I get back to

·        My coming back from my vacation and miscarriage (but at least I had a nice tan to show for it) to discover that the job I pretty much had ‘in the bag’ had been taken by my ‘temporary replacement’ for the new head honcho. (well, that pretty much covered that one, now didn’t it?)

·        My second attempt to get pregnant following the miscarriage that almost got cancelled at the end of the trigger cycle.

·        My second (third, technically, if you count the one back in 1999) miscarriage last month when I was much further along than the previous one. It was a doozy. From HELL. (one baby only this time)

·        The discovery that Simon le Bon of Duran Duran (or the group in general, but Simon MOST SPECIFICALLY) still has the ability to make me feel better when I need it but least expect it. Thank GOD they are all over the press lately for their new album. They have always ‘been there’ for me in my worst times. Hey! Reliable men! Kisses to them all.

·        One of my four dogs getting run over (yes, she is dead) Husband is an idiot and so is monster. I TOLD them not to let them just run loose, but NOOOOO…… Why do people seem to doubt that I just might know what the hell I’m talking about from time to time? I have NO IDEA. I’m a pretty smart broad.

·        Another one appearing perfectly fine (barking HI MOM HI MOM HIMOMMY! Tail wag tail wag yes I’m your pretty smart girl!yessssssssss pet me like thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!)when I get home last Thursday, but half an hour later dropping to the floor, gasping, and dying while staring at me. (I’m still fucked up like you wouldn’t believe from this one – it was Tyra, my little survivor, the one I had longest. I’m devastated.)

·        Obviously, November was a particularly nasty month. The last few months actually, but November the worst.  For fuck’s sake, give me a new year! Come on 2008!

·        Isn’t that enough?

·        Guess not. Still reading, aren’t you?

·        Monster almost died in September. She was in ICU for 4 days and in the hospital for a week.  (boy, I can’t wait to hear your comments about this one.) Like she REALLY almost croaked.   Needed 4 units of blood, had a bad reaction and her body rejected the first donors blood, then, blah blah blah,…. She finally got ok.  I used visiting her as a cover for getting my daily injections that no one knew about. If that sounds harsh, well, ICU is adjacent to the IVF/INFERTILITY CLINIC (yes, it is emblazoned on the damn doors just like that, using font size 2500, in case someone forgot their glasses or something, I guess.), and Z’s family is freaking NOSEY! As is, my SIL (one of em) happened to see me going in there, I said it was follow up from my miscarriage…. BIG FAT LIE RIGHT THERE.

That’s really plenty of choices for you, now isn’t it?

See? I’ve had a perfectly good reason for not posting. If you think I’m not depressed and numb, then think again, sukah.  If you’re mad at me for not posting, don’t worry… the blogsphere spa*mmers have got me but good….. I have 8400+ bogus comments. But at least my spa*m software saved me from almost 2 million bogus comments, right?

Well, shit.

And if that isn’t enough torture punishment, perhaps THIS is: As I type this, husband has apparently downloaded a whole ass-load of disco biscuit 80’s music and is playing it loud… before he burns it on a cd. We are talking LISA LISA AND THE CULT JAM here people! WTF???? He didn’t like this back in da day! If he think’s that cd is going in my Caddy, he’s got another thing coming.

That

There you go. I’ve shared a bit of my very old past. I was such a wild thing back in the day. Shit, I’m so boring now by comparison. That’s depressing.

I’ll go reminisce some more till I pass out.

Things have been a bit crazy around here lately, in case you were wondering where I’d gone off to.

Actually, things kind of went apeshit starting with Dr. G disappearing from the country 2 weeks before I start another assisted reproduction try. And, coincidentally, two weeks before my best bud H delivers her baby (you know, the friend that Dr. G helped get knocked up) Fucker.  Guess who’s getting coal dust from Santa this year?

s, Dr. G disappeared with no warning,  4 days after he and I had a lengthly discussion on how he would be here till end of August when his contract expires, etc, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, it seems that I now have a substitute doctor who is this famous Egyptian professor and such a sought-after gynae that women wait more than a month just to make an appointment with him. ME? I just like him because HE LISTENS WHEN I TALK. As in, respects that I’m not a complete dipshit that doesn’t know jack diddly about the ffed up innerworkings of her 30-something body. He listened, and when I was through giving him a breif run-thru about my reproductive medical history, miscarriage, live birth, etc, et al, and after he had studied all my IUI/IVF/ICSI attempts, he looked at me and said “so, I have one question” Me: Blank stare.  Doc “why are you doing all this IVF and IUI, etc… when both pregnancies you have had, one successful, and one miscarriage, were both a result of ASSISTED reproduction, not IVF, nor IUI, nor ICSI. (meaning,  I was pumped full to the brim of medications for almost 2 weeks and then  Z and I left to hump like rabbits).

So……. guess what I’m doing these days? Hint: my ASS hurts like a sonofabitch, and my arm does too. Come to think of it, my ovaries are feeling heavy and oh-so-nightmarishly-painful. I’m also moody as all-hell.

Yeah, Aunt flo showed up on the day H delivered her baby, 7-7-07. And I’ve been being shot up and poked for blood ever since. I am happy to report that I am a new Auntie of an adorable little boy whom I want to kiss and eat up he is so freaking cute. And I am also halfway through this treatment, had my blood work and cootchie pokey today and so far? So good. My E2 (for those of you curious and who know what the hell I mean…. ie: Ollie and CarrieJo) is, as of this morning, 3993, which is PLENTY good for those of you that are still saying… E what? I have a couple of big fat follicles that are behaving the way we want them to (except for the accompanying mind numbing pain) and getting bigger- may they continue to do so. I’m on day 8 of my cycle, and that is a good number, Professor G (genuis) seemed pleased.

But what’s great? Not that fact that his visit cost is DOUBLE the cost of Dr. G, but that… HE ISN’T A WAND MONKEY! HE IS GENTLE! AND DOESN’T SHOVE IT UP YOUR SORE AND PAINFUL COOTCH WHEN YOUR OVARIES ARE THE SIZE OF ….. well, I don’t want to contemplate how big they are right now, cause they are only gonna get bigger!

So………. that’s where we are for now.

More later!

Hey Y’all! It seems that we have our share of crazies here too! Not that I ever doubted it, because there are freaks everywhere, but this is a real hoot.

Z went to the